Twas the Night Before Atkins

Twas the Night Before Atkins

Twas the night before Atkins and all through the land
Not a bad carb could be found, not by woman or man.
The celery was placed under pillows with care,
In hopes that the whoosh Fairy soon would be there.

The dieters were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of thin bottoms danced in their heads.
As I looked in the mirror, and jumped on the scale,
I was morbidly fluffy, this much I could tell.

When down in the kitchen there rose such a clatter,
I sprang down the stairs to see what was the matter.
Away through the house I flew like a flash,
My belly did jiggle and so did my ass. More

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I’d Like to Teach the World to Eat

I’d like to Teach the World to Eat

Sing to the tune I’d like to Teach the World to Sing, as performed by New Seekers.

I’d like to teach the world a diet
A diet that I love
Grow thin like me, lose pounds they’ll see
And show what Atkins does.

I’d like to teach the world to eat
In perfect health they’ll be.
I’d like to teach them low carb-ly
And keep them company. More

I Lost it My Way

I Lost It My Way

Sing to the tune  My Way, by Sinatra.

And now inductions near
And so I face the final muffin
My friend I’ll say it clear
I’ll lose my weight, this much I’m certain.

I ate, till way past full
I’ve shoveled in each and every Carbohydrate
And more, much more than this
I ate it my way.
Florets, I’ve had a few
But then again to few to mention.

I ate what I wanted to
And saw my butt had grew
without Intention. More

Suavey Sexy

After starting the Atkins weight loss program, it wasn’t long before I had dropped the pounds, leaving me with few clothes and oversize underwear.  I had started getting  a lot of wedgies from  those underwear, and since I don’t really like  anything up my butt  I decided  to throw them all out.  That left me with a grand total of zero.  So I decided to go to Walmart and buy some new ones, along with a few other items I needed.  This trip would be one that would leave me embarrassed, and teach me  a valuable lesson on checking myself thoroughly before leaving the house. More

Man Bits

There I stood, a pair of shrink to fit  faded-blue-sexy Levis in hand.  Hoping I could get them on, even if only part of the way.  I remembered how good they felt on my body many pounds ago. In my heart, I knew they wouldn’t fit, but that wasn’t the point.  I wanted to see how far I could get them up.  Since starting my weight loss journey on the Atkins diet plan, I had dropped several pants sizes already.  I started in a forty-two.  Now, with a pair of thirty-six in hand,  I was about to begin such a horrific ordeal that when I think of  it my teeth begin to quiver. More

You’re a Computer Geek If…

1.If you or anyone you know, has a cloak of invisibility, and online name is Gandor.
2. If your spouse has ever left the house for more than 5 hours and you didn’t notice.
3. If you have ever been asked on a blind date by someone named Stalker 12345.
4. If your children have ever had Mac & Cheese for more than three meals in one day.
5. If you have more than one friend, whose names include the numbers sixty-nine.
6. If you use the word Google in a sentence, more than three times a day.
7. If you have never had a face-to-face conversation with the person you are about to marry.
8. If you go to a comedy club and ROTFL.
9. If you have more than 300 cigarettes in the coke can you’ve been using as an ashtray.
10. If you have grown a full beard since you sat down “just to read your e-mail.”
11. If you have ever forgotten to eat because you were busy playing Mahjong.
12. If you have ever lost a game of backgammon to a 7 year old kid in Bangladesh.
13. If you are reading this post, and still in your pajamas.

Terry Elkins (whyguy)

Help me finish this list. I know you got one or two in you.  🙂

She Loves Me

I stepped out of the shower, and she wasn’t there. Still dripping wet, I grabbed my robe, and went searching. The house was silent and still—I knew we must be alone. I found her in the kitchen. She had been waiting for me.  I rushed to her, picked her up in my arms, and wiped the slightest smudge of jam from her beautiful face.

She was cold to the touch, but soon, I would remedy that. I thought about doing it right there in the kitchen, but I knew a better place, a  private place, one in which we wouldn’t be disturbed. I carried her gingerly through the house, past the dining room, where we had done it once or twice before;  past the living room, where the sofa was in the way the last time, and I even thought about stopping in the hallway, just for a quickie, but it was in the bedroom where we have had the most fun.

She didn’t speak, she didn’t have to, I could see it in her eye—she wanted this as much as I did. I gave her a gentle kiss, and placed her body, ever so delicate, on the floor. My body shivered in anticipation at what was about to happen. I dropped my robe and mounted her, and I could feel the warmth from my body enter hers. I waited for a moment before I looked at her, and before I knew it—it was over.

As she spoke to me with lust still in her eye I let out a scream of ecstasy and delight. “Yes, yes, yes!” I knew then that things between us would never be the same. I knew  that she loved me. On this day, she proved that love by telling me what I had longed to hear—you are you now 220 lbs.

I love my scale.

Terry Elkins (whyguy)

Update: I’ve now down to 168  lbs, and only 8 lbs from my goal.  She still loves me. And I’m still loving Atkins.

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